Michelle
April 8th, 2003 changed my life forever. A thin envelope addressed to me,
arrived for me from the University of Maine. I tore it open, knowing that this
piece of mail would notify me of which path my life would take. I believe people
are like puzzles, and the shape of my pieces just so happened to lead me to
where I am today. My academic history, my mental health, and my desire to attend
college guided me to a God sent program, Onward.
Going to college; where I come from, it's expected ... and in today's society
a necessity for what I wanted to do with my life. High school was all about the
preparation for college. I did all the right things, took the "college prep"
classes, the SAT's and all the recommended courses. For some reason, I wasn't
getting it. My grades were always C's or worse. It has been like that my whole
life. I hadn't learned to read until the end of second grade, way behind the
rest of my class. My teacher would humiliate me in front of the class, ripping
up my writing and yelling at me when I couldn't read simple words. Through
elementary school I was always in the "Red Robins" group instead of the "Blue
Jays" for reading or math. I always wanted to be a Blue Jay. By middle school,
you were a "teenager" and fit to fend for yourself. They patted your back and
released you into the hell pit known as seventh grade. I couldn't handle it. My
self confidence disappeared; I studied until I was in tears, and made enough
flashcards to cover the earth in a stiff paper blanket. I never got a one
hundred, you know, "refrigerator" material. Ever. I rejoiced at an 85. So by
high school, I had figured out how to do just enough work to pass.
As classes got harder, and the workload overwhelmed me, my mental health
collapsed. I fell deep into depression, anxiety, and obsessive compulsive
behavior. My head was full of ideas and words, pictures and tears that I
couldn't let out, and when I did all hell broke loose. I wrote dark poetry,
isolated myself, and I was convinced that there was nothing wrong. At the
beginning of my sophomore year, I was put on heavy medication and started
therapy. After that, it got one hundred times worse. I started having nightmares
and my obsessions got out of control. My mood and thoughts affected my
schoolwork tremendously. I failed my French class, and had to take it again. My
goal for college was put on the backburner, and a new goal of surviving the next
day became my highest priority. Getting out of bed was an accomplishment. I was
absent 11 times in the first quarter of my senior year. By that period of time,
everyone thought I would drop out, except for me. I was sent to social workers,
psychologists, and physiatrists and also had testing done. As my last year of
high school went on, I knew college was just a dream. I was failing school, my
SAT's were very low, and my mental state hit rock bottom. The more I thought
about not making it to college, the more depressed and catatonic I became. The
climax arrived just after Halloween, 2002. On November 2nd my sister attempted
suicide. By then, the only way I could cope with everyday life was to hurt
myself. That day marked a new beginning. My family had gone through so much shit
and finally it seemed to be coming to an end. I stopped cutting and my sister
got better. I got my life in order. I started a new medication, making Lexa-Pro
the last of the twelve anti-depressants, anxiety medication, and anti-psychotics
I had taken since my sophomore year. This new medication was wonderful. My
guidance counselors worked with me, and fixed my schedule. I started getting
better grades and college re-entered the picture. As a result of the medication
and mental illness, I barely remember my years in high school. Only chunks of
memories remain, where it was really bad, or really good. The other days were
lost in my attempt to dig myself out of my own grave. I came to the realization
that I controlled my own destiny and it took me eighteen years to figure that
out. Without the help of friends, family, and doctors it would have taken much
longer, if ever. I wanted to go to college, more specifically; I wanted to
attend the University of Maine. I had gone on a tour my junior year (back when
college was still in the picture). I had loved the campus and the people, and
would do anything to attend. My experience in high school, both academically and
personally was a huge factor on me deciding on going to Onward.
The last and most important reason for me choosing Onward was that I would do
anything to go to college. For a while there, it seemed, I'd have to go to
community colleges or take classes' un-matriculated at USM. Ever since I was a
child, I wanted to learn and grow to have a job I loved. I knew that without an
education I couldn't do this. My mother had worked at a childcare center for ten
years, making less than I did at my first job. She went back to school while I
was in middle school, and I saw how it affected her life. She was much happier,
making enough money to support our family, and finally doing what she wanted to
do. At first I wanted to be a teacher, then a Psychologist and now a Social
Worker. I never wanted to be a fire fighter or astronaut as a kid. I wanted to
be the teacher every kid loved and remembered with a smile on their face. I
didn't have too many of those growing up and I wanted change the world. When I
learned about Onward I jumped at the opportunity. At first I was scared. What, I
was supposed to leave home, everything I had ever known to go to some program
for "special needs" people? I don't think so! I talked myself into it, realizing
I could do it, and this program would get me into college. I would do anything
to succeed, even if that meant going to school for longer. As I met the people
involved in the program, such as Eric and Catherine when they interviewed me, I
knew that Onward was the right place for me. They were so caring and open: The
building seemed to be a place of support and friendship. As the process of
applying to Onward proceeded, I started to realize that if I didn't get into
this program, I would HAVE to take the long way to a college education. Those
weeks waiting to find out were stressful. I checked the mailbox everyday, hoping
to see a letter with the University of Maine logo. In mid April, I did. I had
applied almost three months before that, and it had been a long stretch. If I
hadn't had the drive to attend college, I wouldn't be where I am today. The
courage and motivation it took to just give Onward a try was outstanding. As I
met my fellow classmates on the camping trip, they made me realize that Onward
was where I belonged. If I hadn't gotten in, I would be lost. Those 65 or so
Onward students and staff are now part of my family whether they like it or not,
and my life is better for it.
Without Onward, my puzzle would be incomplete. Onward is the glue you use to
turn a simple puzzle into a solid piece of art. Even though the last six years
of my life have been hard, without those experiences I wouldn't be surrounded by
life long friends and the best opportunity in the world, to learn. My academic
history, my mental health and my desire to attend college are just tiny bits of
what makes me Michelle. They led me to Onward, and for that I am blessed.
