If You Know Someone Who Is Being Abused
Violence at the hands of
an intimate partner is scary and degrading. If you are being
abused, or if you know someone who is being abused, your
feelings might range from feeling overwhelmed and helpless
to angry or scared. No one ever deserves to be abused, and
you have a right to feel safe and in control of your life.
Below are some suggestions that other people who have been
in abusive relationships have found useful. Because every
situation is different, some of the ideas below might not
be appropriate or safe for you--but there is help available!
Please feel free to call Spruce Run or the National
Domestic Violence Hotline for free, confidential support 24-hours
a day.
If you know someone who is being abused:
If you know someone in an abusive relationship,
you're probably pretty worried about them. You might feel
afraid for their emotional well-being or even their physical
safety. You might feel frustrated at the choices you see
them making. Many well-meaning people hesitate to "get involved in" an
abusive situation because they don't think it's any of their
business, because they think they wouldn't know what to do
or say, because they don't want to embarrass the victim,
or sometimes because they're afraid they'll be hurt, too.
Below are some suggestions for keeping yourself safe and
best supporting the abused person you know.
1. Listen to and believe her/him. This is one of the most
important things you can do for any victim of abuse. Because
an abused person's self-esteem has been systematically beaten
down, it is very empowering to be able to talk about their
experience to caring people who will believe them. Abused people
often feel like they're the only one this is happening to,
that it's their fault, that they're crazy, or that nobody would
believe that their partner would do such things. These feelings
intensify the abuse, making it harder to leave the situation.
2. Don't judge. Victims of abuse already
blame themselves unnecessarily for what they're going through. "If only
I hadn't done this or that, maybe he wouldn't have gotten so
angry." Too often, the messages victims receive from people
outside the situation, even those with the best of intentions,
reinforce this. It is important to remember that even if you
don't agree with the decisions she's making, abuse is never
the victim's fault. There is often more to an abusive situation
than meets the eye, and what looks like a poor choice might
really be the only choice a victim has.
Here are some examples of helpful and not helpful things to
say to a victim of abuse:
Helpful: "You don't
deserve this."
Not helpful: "I
don't see why you don't just leave."
Helpful: "I'm so
sorry you're going through this."
Not helpful: "I
wouldn't put up with that for a minute!"
3. Support her/him. Support can take all sorts of shapes.
Aside from being there to listen, think about what else you
might feel comfortable doing. If s/he is thinking about leaving,
can you offer him/her a place to spend the night? A place to
make phone calls? Never do something that you're not comfortable
with and be careful not to over-extend yourself--guilt is not
a good motivator! It's okay to say no and set limits. If direct
support isn't an option, how about volunteering at your local
domestic violence project? Speaking up when people around you
are making jokes that target or reinforce violence against
women? Attending a vigil? The possibilities are limitless!
4. Practice good self care. If you feel yourself
starting to get burned out, itfs okay (and necessary!) to take
a break. Take time to process what you are going through, and
get support for yourself!
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