Engineer Jokes

Engineers aren't afraid to have a laugh at their own expense.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of engineering, "What starting salary were you thinking about?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

You might be an Engineer if...
you have no life and can prove it mathematically
you enjoy pain
you know vector calculus, but can't remember how to do long division
you chuckle whenever anyone says 'centrifugal force'
you've actually used every function on your calculator
it's sunny and 70 degrees outside and you're inside at a computer
you freguently hum the theme song to 'MacGyver'
you always do homework on Friday night
you know how to integrate a chicken and take the derivative of water
you think in math
you've calculated that the World Series actually diverges
you have a pet named after a scientist
you can't figure out how to make a nonscientific calculator do simple math
you hesitate to look at something because you don't want to break down its wave function
you laugh at jokes about mathematicians
the Humane Society has arrested you because you tried to shoot a monkey falling out of a tree
you can translate English into Binary
you can't remember what's behind the door in the science building marked 'EXIT'
you avoid doing anything because you don't want to contribute to the eventual heat death of the Universe
you have to bring a jacket with you in the middle of summer because there is a wind chill in the lab
you are completely addicted to caffeine
you consider ANY nonscience (or math) course 'easy'
when your Professor asks for your homewrok, you explain that you have calculated its momentum so precisely that, according to Heisenberg, it could be anywhere in the Universe
the 'fun' center in your brain has deteriorated due to lack of use
you'll assume that a horse is a sphere to make the math easier
you can remember pi to the 5th decimal place, but can't remember the name of the person you just spoke with
you understand more than 5 of these indicators
you make a copy of this and post it on your door or in your web page

You might be a Civil Engineer if...

you know the difference between cement and concrete
you feel the compulsion to explain that difference to anyone who will listen
you know the difference between soil and dirt
you took a class in college to learn how to write letters and numbers
you shake your head when liberal arts majors complain about writing a two page paper
you stop to admire a building's architecture or a construction site
you like to break things
you build and race concrete canoes or tobbogans for fun
you hear the term 'the real world' in an exponentially increasing occurence as you progress through college
the only show you watch on tv is Star Trek
the only language you know how to speak is differential equations
you try to figure out if a traffic light is timed or vehicle actuated
you have 8am classes every semester
you have no chance of graduating in 4 years
you allow professors to reschedule classes they miss
you stay for all your classes the Friday before breaks
pulling all nighters doesn't seem unusual to you
the only free time you have is reading things like this on the computer
you see more letters in your average problem than most English majors see in 4 years

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

Mathmetician: the glass is half full
Physist: the glass is half empty
Engineer: the glass is too big

A priest, a drunkard, and an engineer were lined up at the guillotine to be executed. They were given the choice to face up looking at the guillotine or to face down looking at the ground.
The priest said, "Well Heaven is up, so I'll look up since that is where I'm going after I die." So they placed the priest in the guillotine facing up and released the blade. The blade stopped just inches from the priest's neck, so they let him go free thinking it was a miracle.
The drunkard thought, "Well if it worked for the priest, it might work for me." So they placed him in the guillotine looking up. They released the blade, and it stopped just inches from the drunkard, so they let him go thinking, this was also a miracle.
The engineer thought, "Well, why not?" So he was placed in the guillotine looking up as well. But just before they released the blade, the engineer said, "Oh wait, I see your problem!"

A lead hardware engineer, a lead software engineer, and their senior engineer-project manager are taking a walk outdoors during their lunch break when they come upon an old brass lamp. They pick it up and dust it off. Poof -- out pops a genie.
"Thank you for releasing me from my lamp-prison. I can grant you 3 wishes. Since there are 3 of you I will grant one wish to each of you."
The hardware engineer thinks a moment and she says, "I'd like to be sailing a yacht across the Pacific, racing before the wind, with an all-male crew."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the hardware engineer disappears.
The software engineer thinks a moment and he says, "I'd like to be riding my Harley with a gang of beautiful women throughout the American Southwest."
"It is done", said the Genie, and poof, the software engineer disappears.
The project manager looks at where the other two had been standing and rubs his chin in thought. Then he tells the Genie, "I'd like those two back in the office after lunch."

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want mustard with that
?"

Engineers think that equations approximate the real world.
Scientists think that the real world approximates equations.
Mathematicians are unable to make the connection...

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side
of the street.

First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist opines: "The measurement wasn't accurate.".
The Biologists conclusion: "They have reproduced".
The Engineer states: "If exactly 1 person enters the house then it will be
empty again."

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible
designers of the human body.

One said, ``It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.''

Another said, ``No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has
many thousands of electrical connections.''

The last said, ``Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a
toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?''

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep
into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A
circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the
best solution."
The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of
infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around
the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside!"

An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one
Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after
the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my
money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and
mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..."

The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual
variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their
previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest
probability of winning..."

"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But
before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and
they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a
man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his
secret.

"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the
horses were identical and spherical..."

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.
"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asks the first.
The second engineer replies, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"
The second engineer nods approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?"
The man below says, "Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 10 meters above this field."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but it's of no use to anyone."
The man below says, "You must be in management."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault."

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

An Engineer and His Frog
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want". Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool!"

In a high school gym class, all the girls are lined up against one wall, and all the boys against the opposite wall. Every ten seconds, they walk toward each other exactly half the remaining distance between them. A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked, "When will the girls and boys meet?"
Mathematician: "Never."
Physicist: "In an infinite amount of time."
Engineer: "Well... in about two minutes, they'll be close enough for all practical purposes."

The Top 10 Things Engineering School didn't teach:
10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.
1. Dilbert is a documentary.

Comprehending Engineers
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

TOP TEN REASONS TO DATE AN ENGINEER:
10. The World Does Revolve Around Us ... We Pick the Coordinate System
9. Find Out What Those Other Buttons on Your Calculator Do
8. We Know How to Handle "Stress" and "Strain" in Relationships
7. Parents Will Approve
6. Help with Your Math Homework
5. Can Calculate Head Pressure
4. Looks Good on a Resume
3. Free Body Diagrams
2. High Starting Salary
1. Lifetime supply of "Dilbert" calendars

TOP TEN REASONS NOT TO DATE AN ENGINEER:
10. T-Shirt and Jeans Are Formal Dress
9. Considers "Posting to the Internet" a Social Life
8. Flames Like a Monster, Speaks Like a Pussy Cat
7. Works from 6:30am to 7:30pm Daily, No Morning Kisses, and No Evening Walks
6. No Matter How Hard You Cry and How Loud You Yell, Just Sits There Calmly Discussing Your Emotion in Terms of Mathematical Logic
5. Listens to Everything from Bach to Prince, Hates Classic Rock.
4. Twinkie and a Jolt 6-Pack Is a Seven Course Meal
3. Talks in Acronyms (TIA)
2. Can't Leave that Pencil Off Ear for One Minute
1. Will File for Divorce If You Call in the Middle of Debugging C code

Construction Definitions

Contractor - A gambler who never gets to shuffle, cut, or deal.
Bid Opening - A poker game in which the losing hand wins.
Bid - A wild guess carried out to two decimal places.
Low Bidder - A contractor who is wondering what he left out.
Engineer's Estimate - The cost of construction in heaven.
Project Manager - The conductor of an orchestra in which every musician is in a different union.
Critical Path Method - A management technique for losing your shirt under perfect control.
OSHA - A protective coating made by half-baking a mixture of fine print, red tape, split hairs, and baloney — usually applied at random with a shotgun.
Strike - An effort to increase egg production by strangling the chicken.
Delayed Payment - A tourniquet applied at the pockets.
Completion Date - The point at which liquidated damages begin.
Liquidated Damages - A penalty for failing to achieve the impossible.
Auditors - People who go in after the war is lost and bayonet the wounded.
Lawyers - People who go in after the auditors and strip the bodies.